Part of the CBT programme I’m currently undertaking involves making a note of how I spend my time and how my mood fluctuates depending on what I’m doing. Some of it was obvious – work is stressful and makes my mood worse, spending time with T or friends and doing fun things makes me feel better. There were a few surprises, though. I’d always suspected that noodling around aimlessly on the internet wasn’t a particularly positive activity, but I was surprised that blogging also seemed to be something that gives rise to more negative feelings than positive ones.
Thinking about it, though, it makes sense. For me, the main benefits of the internet are finding information (honestly, how did I ever manage before Google?) and talking to my friends. And blogging doesn’t actually let me do either of those things; I’m not learning anything new by writing here, and it’s a really unsatisfactory way of communicating because it doesn’t really seem to lend itself to conversations. I love Twitter, for all its flaws, because at its heart it’s a huge, sprawling, diverse global conversation that I can dip in and out of and that covers all subjects from the serious to the ridiculous, often moving from one to the other in the space of mere minutes. Ravelry’s forums are another kind of conversation; slower-moving, more detailed and also more restricted as to topic (though my favourite groups are the ones which tend to ramble off topic before the discussion gets on to a second page), but it’s still definitely conversation. Livejournal in its heyday was something like a seminar or a discussion group; you wrote a post as an invitation to the people reading your journal to pitch in and discuss the topic, and because there were threaded comments and email notifications of comments conversations did develop where people talked to each other and didn’t just respond to the OP. (I miss that, but somehow I no longer seem to have interesting opinions to post as starting-points for discussion, or even mostly to contribute to other people’s discussion. I have become very dull, I fear.) While blogging doesn’t feel very different from writing posts on LJ, the interaction is totally different. People don’t start conversations in the comments here, and I can’t recall ever getting into a real conversation by commenting on someone else’s blog. A blog is a lecture, with a few audience questions to follow, and I’m not really enjoying holding forth at the moment. It feels too much as if I’m saying ‘Look at me! Don’t I make lovely things? Aren’t I clever at dressing myself?’ and fishing for other people’s compliments. (Also, when it comes to the outfit blogging, I’m working on attaching less relative importance to work and more to non-work things, and writing a blog about what I wear to work doesn’t quite seem to fit with that.)
So I don’t know if this is goodbye, or au revoir, or if my blogging mojo will return tomorrow and I’ll be back with daily outfit posts or irregular craft posts. Meanwhile, I’ll still be on Ravelry and Twitter whatever happens (I’m whitehart on Ravelry and white_hart on Twitter), so if you don’t already do come and chat to me there.